Back in October 2007, the FEAR project was a vendor at the www.idealist.org job fair for non – profit organizations in Seattle, WA. Although we did not officially have a paid position to offer interested job seekers attending the fair, we put out an ‘ask’ for people to help the project expand its core group of volunteers. In attendance at our booth were new recruits: Allison Stevens, Scott Leist, Richard (advocate), Deb Hinchey, Tim Matsui (photo documenting the event) and myself. Our media was on a continuous feed with headphones to draw an audience to experience the FEAR media. Our volunteers ‘talked the talk’ and explained to the curious passer bys what FEAR was all about. FEAR’s mission is to ‘reduce the prevalence of sexual violence through our media and personal narrative.’ The location of our presentation table was fantastic. As one entered the room FEAR was right there. You had to walk past us again as one exited the room. FEAR was a stopper. People were curious. People asked. They wanted to know. Some people wanted to help. It was that day I met Jennifer Manlowe. Call it intuition or belief, but as I remember it Jennifer reached out in conversation with great interest and support for the project and its mission; we connected and that day I knew I would see her again. Jennifer’s enthusiasm and participation continued and that very first interaction proved to be the beginning of a wonderful working relationship for us.
Jennifer Manlowe is a creative career counselor and the founder of Life Design Unlimited. Jennifer is an "outside the job box" creative career counselor. She is also an author, educator, and advisor with over 20 years of experience helping people create a life (and livelihood) that brings joy, self-sufficiency and a sense of contribution. To link to Jennifer’s website please follow:

http://www.lifedesignunlimited.citymax.com/page/page/3415975.htm

Jennifer invited me to speak with her about the topic ‘Listening with Compassion’ to a group of women at St. Joe’s on Capitol Hill, Seattle, WA on Wednesday, March 5th, 2008. My piece on sexual violence would represent the most hard to hear material on the rainbow spectrum of listening. This group of ladies had been meeting regularly over the last five to six years gifting themselves 2 hours of quality ‘me’ time to learn from and support one another. The coordinator of the meeting, brings to the group a variety of speakers and topics to supplement and inspire their journey in life, and for those 2 hours members of the group leave all their ‘issues’ in everyday life behind. This space is sacred for those who enter.  It was my understanding as we went into the presentation that the coordinator was expressing concerns to Jennifer over the topic material and how it could potentially be upsetting to the audience. Upon introductions I confirmed that the subject material may be difficult and at times uncomfortable for some and that on the outside we all may appear fine but I have no idea of the feelings I would stimulate inside any one person. I shared that I brought resources for individuals who may need outside assistance including 1800 help lines for anonymous assistance and a telephone number to Harborview’s Center for Sexual Assault and Traumatic Stress critical incident help line. In my opinion, I was ready to continue as they already demonstrated they were listening with their full interest.

Jennifer, with her wealth of experience and knowledge, led the discussion describing the Universal need to feel self worth; that one’s feelings are worthy, and feelings do matter. If one can realize this while we learn to actively listen to others it does not imply that by listening we suddenly need to make everything better for that person. Every individual can practice actively listening by following 4 rules of validation:

1.      Listen by giving your full attention

2.      Listen to the emotions being expressed

3.      Listen to the needs being expressed

4.      Understand by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes as best you can.

In preparation for this presentation, I realized that on a professional level I have been gifted with this ability to listen to one story after another after another with compassion. In my role as a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE-A) and to date 240 cases later, I can say with all honesty I have not heard the same story twice. In that time I have with my patient documenting their story, their words, I am listening and believing and feeling for that person. It is not my job to make it all better and fix their situation. I am there to validate and empower that man or woman or child with choices and a plan of care which meets their unique needs within the framework of a sexual assault forensic exam. I was highly satisfied with how well received media from FEAR’s ‘promo piece’, ‘SANE trailer’ and highlights from ‘Rebecca’s Story’ went. Coupled with my presentation piece, the dialogue began to flow. One lady chose to share that she felt she failed (in her opinion) her friend who spoke to her once of an ongoing, intimate partner, abusive situation. I felt her inner struggle as she described the weight of regret which she has clearly carried within herself for months. This person had turned to her priest in confession expressing her raw feelings of guilt of not being available to this friend to listen in a helpful capacity. The advice spoken by the priest was that her friend would get help. There was little comfort in this message and today this woman is left with an unsettled feeling wondering if her friend would ever reach out to her again or someone else for help after having been shut down. Another story came out about the shock one lady experienced when hearing a friend’s disclosure of intimate partner violence. She reflected that she had no words to speak in that moment for complete horror and disbelief overcame her and surprisingly that was the most helpful thing, only by accident, she could have done. To this day their relationship had continued in a healthy, supportive manner. She states ‘she can’t imagine what she was going through, but I have made a choice not to be involved with the male nor go to their home’.

I would like to think that following this presentation these women now have the awareness that they could share, confide and support each other armed with new knowledge and new tools and resources to listen with compassion. The meeting ended in thanks and prayer. I felt great comfort here with these women. This is not the time or place for me to share my beliefs with you dear readers. I did however, feel it was appropriate and fitting to bring closure with this group and to join them in prayer and ask for the ability to continue the work that I enjoy so much and to continue to bless me with the gift to listen with compassion.

Jennifer thanked me last night. I thank you too Jennifer. Please enjoy, as I did, the poem she sent me:

“When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.” ~ Anonymous