Overindulgence: too much, too soon, too often.

 Last week I went to collect my children from our elementary school at dismissal only to experience a wave of nausea and frustration. A stretch limousine was positioned among the buses with a group of grade 4 students piling in to ‘carpool’ to their concert event much to the distraction of other children, teachers and parents trying to pick up and go home. I know from conversations that followed that I was not the only parent whose child began demanding the same experience or as in my case, my child going as far as physically handing me the yellow pages earmarked ‘limousine service’ so I understood how to book next year’s birthday party for her. I wanted to be happy for these children, yet I could only shake my head. Was this really necessary to have all the attention drawn to them at the school? I applaud the parents for being conscious of the environment and only having on vehicle to transport the distance to see a concert (which I questioned was even age appropriate to begin with) but honestly, kids of this age standing up out the sunroof waving to their classmates… come on parents!

Last year I attended a parent education seminar sponsored in our school district on ‘Overindulgence: too much, too soon, too often’ by author Dr. Connie Dawson. It was well attended by our community and I re-read my submission for my parent ed column wanting to post the article again to refresh our memories and self evaluate our parenting skills. I share with you….. Dr. Connie Dawson defined overindulgence in children as the act of giving them material things or experiences which simply are not appropriate for a child’s age level or interests or talents. Overindulgence is the process of giving things to children to meet the adult’s needs not the child’s.Three areas of overindulgence include:

• Too many things that money can buy. Examples include clothing, equipment, lessons, anything that costs money.
• Over nurturing. Trained helplessness, doing things for children that they should be doing for themselves. Example: turning in homework to your child at school which was left on the kitchen table at breakfast.
• Too soft structure. Example: bendable rules or no rules, too much freedom or privileges, no expectation for the child to do things for them self, nor having the ability to take other people’s needs into consideration.

 What are the consequences of overindulgence? I personally began to feel varying levels of guilt thinking about my own parenting and wondered where my behavior fit in with the “not enough / abundance / too much” categories. I do not believe my own children understand how fortunate they truly are having their wants and desires for material things and activities frequently met. In my opinion, we have generous ‘abundance’ of belongings, meaning this is enough most of the time. On occasion, I am accountable for caving in to buy ‘too much’ stuff, in a spontaneous decision and an instant gratification to satisfy the moment. The extreme scenario would be resulting in an out of balance spending decision disproportionate with our family resources. Rarely (how lucky are we?), do my children experience ‘not enough’. However, there are occasions when my children feel an overblown sense of entitlement forcing me to stick to my role of parent in charge and denying them their request which doesn’t fit our family framework of rules. The backlash and consequences feel harsh as I do hear loud and clear from them that they feel I am not being fair when they go without. Their disappointments and desires run deep and I feel awful to see them angry and hurt. I have to believe that with my decision, there will come a time when I will honor the request or desire if it remains true to them and they have been able to distinguish between a need vs. a desire. Only then will they finally experience the value of wanting and waiting for something especially when my personal decision was based on a developmentally appropriate task or privilege.

When it isn’t about the material ‘stuff’ which we can give to benefit our children, how do we as parents prepare our children with the tools and skills necessary to live life at their full potential without overindulging them? Parents have a responsibility to recognize a child’s need and offer supportive care in the response to the request of help. By giving only enough assistance or encouragement to enhance a child’s ability to perform a developmentally appropriate task, a child will develop critical self care skills which will serve him better long term into adulthood.

Giving a child the responsibility to make a contribution to the family unit in the form of household chores and responsibilities build self esteem and life skills crucial in preparation for adulthood. Adults need to be in charge of the house rules so the child does not run the home. Being assertive and enforcing participation in age appropriate tasks facilitates skills including: organization, budgeting, carrying projects to completion, cleaning and social skills. Allowing for the natural consequences or uncomfortable losses when a child chooses not to comply or perform a task may result in a positive learning experience teaching the child how to be responsible for themselves, eventually becoming competent in self management skills.

I do recognize there is a fine line between having abundance vs. too much. Ask yourself as I did, are the results of my actions creating harm (overindulgence) or, does it make life better (abundance)? Research results state: “as parents, we want good things for our children and it is difficult to separate an abundance of good things from too much of a good thing. Therefore, it is very important that we avoid any feelings of guilt or shame as we recognize that we may have overindulged. We can remember that our actions came from a good heart and we can use our goodwill to encourage ourselves to move on and to give us hope.” 

For more information: www.overindulgence.infoDawson, C et all (2004, January). How much is enough? Everything you need to know to stay clear of overindulgence and raise likeable, responsible and respectful children. ISBN: 1569244375 

So readers, my child is disappointed that a limousine is not part of next year’s party plan. What I saw was not a horrible thing. I was disappointed in the parents' decision and who am I really to judge? For me personally, I still imagine this experience to be special in nature if or when it occurs for me. It is true it has not been a need or a want for me and I have yet to experience the luxury and thrill of a limousine ride which in my mind ought to be coupled with an occasion to celebrate. I am happy to wait. I hope my daughter will appreciate this too.

Respectfully submitted