Do you recognize your flags?  

“It gets so frustrating when my kids won’t talk to me” ...

“I’m too busy; we’re too busy.  And I’m way too tired for this”...

“The kids are constantly fighting”...

“What?!  ‘Why did you do that?  How could you?!  WHAT were you tthhhiinnnnkkking?’”  

“I’m at my wits end!  Take time for myself? Yeah, right!” ...

“The tantrums, homework, schedules, sassing”...

“Last week was a great week; what the heck happened to this week?”...

“Sometimes I think, ‘I handled that great!  Hey, I’m good!’....But with the next kid challenge, ‘HUH?!...I sure blew that!”

“My emotions are all over the page; the kids know it, I know it” ...

“How do I download some consistency into these family dynamics...when do I get that chance?” ...

.... When?  When you remove the flag from the bull’s face. 

When you self-regulate first.  

When you find yourself getting emotionally disregulated (charged/revved up), TAKE A BREAK.  Stop coaxing the bull.  Walk away.  (really.)  Then come back at handling matters some specific time later.  Whether that’s in five minutes, 10, an hour.... the next morning or two days later.  But come back to where you left off.   That way you’ll come back being able to be effective because you can put forth your best effort. 

Get to know the flags about yourself to pick your battles without overdoing the picking, nagging, shaming, indignant, demoralizing and controlling.  Learn what to know about that flag-waving side of yourself....beyond it telling you that you’re getting flooded, and making that bull more wild.  

When you wave the flag in the bull’s face, heart rates increase, and you become “unreasonable” in conduct.  The bull takes scent of the tension, and sees to it that all involved become less capable of hearing, thinking, sharing, problem-solving and perspective-taking.  

Remove your flag(s) first.  

It is important that parents maintain their own health, seek support and keep their sense of humor!  Remove yourself from the bull’s face...It takes you away from negative interchange.  

By controlling your emotions first, you won’t overreact and lunge with over-parenting and expecting perfection.  It only invigorates the bull, and escalates the fights.

Emotional regulation removes the flag from the bull’s face and allows respectful communication and negotiation to enter.

For information about Self-Regulation, contact

Terri Sterrenberg, Family Interplay Education at  www.familyinterplay.com

Laura Kastner, University of Washington Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at www.u.washington.edu