What to do about the polar bears? These lumbering, albion hued predators of the North are, it seems, up a certain creek with only a rapidly melting ice shelf for a paddle. As we are inundated by frightening and sad footage of polar bears pathetically paddling in the now endless arctic ocean, the federal government has stepped in. Last week the Polar Bear (Ursus Maritimus) was given official “threatened status” by the Department of the Interior. With the stroke of a pen, the dreaded hunter of the north, hot seal blood still decorating his muzzle as he scents the arctic wind, has been placed under the benevolent umbrella of the Endangered Species Act. Recent successes with other endangered animals such as bald eagles and wolves suggest that this change in status bodes well for the polar bear, but is it enough? Global warming continues to turn these bears’ habitat from an icy all you can eat seal buffet to a featureless ocean. Hunters have said that they will continue to kill polar bears in defiance of the new ruling. Are the actions of the Interior Department to little, too late?

If that is the case, if a change in federal status is not enough to save this animal, what can we do? Thankfully, the solution is already here. In placing an official status on the polar bear, the federal government has awarded these furry white bastards something else: Market Value. When we thought there was an endless supply of murderous bears north of Canada, we, as a nation, really couldn’t give a squirt. Now that they are endangered, that is to say scarce, i.e. of value as conforming to the laws of supply and demand, boy howdy, it’s a whole new bear game. These animals finally have some value and therefore intrinsic worth to society. It is time to capitalize on the bears’ new found status.

The best way to create this wealth/save this species is to start trading in Bear Futures. When this bear market is up and running, individual polar bears, or rather portions of individual animals, could be bought and sold. These “Polar Shares” traded freely on the Bear Market would insure that it would be in people’s best interest to preserve this species. The free market would ensure the safety of high performing bears, while the weaker, less ambitious animals would be taken out of the bio-economic pool by the invisible hand of capitalism. Individual animals would have their federal “threatened” status tied to their stock price. If a bear does not perform well, then its status could be changed from “threatened” or “endangered” to “good to kill” or “yummy”. After all, the endangered species act is meant to protect rare animals and there is nothing scarce about underachievement.

Consider the benefits. Polar bear stock would be rejuvenated by the use of Polar Bear Stocks. Our economy would get a huge bounce, and for once, a guilt free one. Most importantly, we would have finally made the great leap between nature and commerce. By putting a specific monetary value on a species of animal, we know exactly how important it is. Sure, polar bears might be pricey, but what about pigeon futures? Surely that is a good way for the neophyte biotrader to get his or her feet wet. Then, they could move up the food chain, placing a dollar amount on each of god’s creatures great and small. But we must not tarry. Already the EU is taking steps to set up a Bull Market in Pamplona. Is a Nikei based on the panda standard far behind?

Photo courtesy of Sydney Morning Hearald